Never give up

Posted on by addicttoaddict

Everybody has days that they feel like giving up, but giving up just doesn’t work.  Sometimes we feel like giving up on our self, our kids, and sometimes we are tempted to give up on our God.  I’ve tried to compile a list of things to do when it feels like it is time to go back to active addiction, to whatever or drug or behavior of choice was.

1.) Use Creativity – Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? Sometimes by asking the five W’s and the one h, we can find a unique solution, one that other people wouldn’t think of.  Sometimes this works really well by leading to a solution that is unique to you and no one else. Sometimes, the solution is the germ of a small business, a new job, a new way to help people – you name it, it can be done!

 2.) Don’t run and hide – Sometimes I feel like running away from it all and building myself a cabin in the middle of the forest. But really, would my problems disappear? Or would I just have a new set, plus the old ones when I came back to civilization? Perhaps a walk in the woods is what I really need at those times. And sometimes, looking at how we want to run and hide can show us a solution – or at least a way to get through the day.

3.) Problems, and feelings, multiply in the dark – and tend to disappear in the light.  Talk about it. Go to meetings. Look for a solution, even if looking for a solution fills you with fear. With time it WILL get better.

4.) Paint, play music, walk – these things always make me feel better and often make me ready to find a creative SOLUTION.

And finally, my favorite – and least favorite (drum roll) -

5.) Meditate. Talk to God. Worship. Pray. I know when I get into one of those moods, talking to God is the last thing I want to do. But it’s often the most important. Do it. It’ll make you feel better.

There are many other ways – send me a comment and we can continue the discussion.

Until later, Addict to Addict

Spiritual death that accompanies a return to active addiction

Posted on by addicttoaddict

Okay, this week has been so busy that it seems there is  no time to post. But I’ll take a whack at it.  It’s been a busy and emotional week.  So this week I will share my most favorite Narcotics Anonymous Just for Today mediation, and why it is so important to me.

March 3 Relapse

“There will be times, however, when we really feel like using. We want
to run, and we feel lousy We need to be reminded of where we came from
and that it will be worse this time. This is when we need the program
the most”

Basic Text, p. 78

If we’re contemplating a relapse, we should think our using through to
the bitter ends. For many of us, those ends would include severe
medical problems, imprisonment, or even death. How many of us have known
people who relapsed after many years clean, only to die from their disease?

But there is a death that accompanies a return to active addiction that
may be worse than physical death. That is the spiritual death we
experience when we are separated from our Higher Power. If we use, the
spiritual relationship we have nurtured over the years will weaken and
perhaps disappear. We will feel truly alone.

There is no doubt that we have periods of darkness in our recovery.
There is only one way we can make it through those troubling times: with
faith. If we believe that our Higher Power is with us, then we know that
all will be well.

No matter how badly we may feel in our recovery, a relapse is never the
answer. Together, we find recovery. If we stay clean, the darkness will
lift and we will find a deeper connection to our Higher Power.

Just for today: I thank my Higher Power for the gift of NA. I know that
relapse is not the way out. Whatever challenges I face, I will face
them with the God of my understanding.

pg. 64

… And that spiritual death is why I quit using. I couldn’t have the relationship with the God I’d grown to know and love – and use drugs.  I was so very angry at God about my son’s death -but still, I knew I couldn’t live without God. And I was also angry at God because I’d tried to get right with Him – and it was as if he wasn’t listening.   Now I think I just wasn’t ready to do whatever it takes, and as soon as I was ready, God was there.

When God told me to stop, I said, but what about the headaches? the pain? What about when I’m too depressed to not use? And he told me, Let me worry about that. That’s not your problem.  You quit before when you weren’t even sure you believed in me, this time I am with you. And He was.  I was so happy to have that relationship back – but I also hurt so much. Eventually we worked it through.

And over time I finally learned that instead of being angry at God and blocking Him out, I should treat Him like a trusted friend – the kind that when something goes wrong, you talk it through.

By the way, if you liked the JFT mediation, subscribe by going to this URL: http://www.jftna.org/jft-subscription.htm . Of course, the quote is property of Narcotics Anonymous World services.

As always, stay clean – and think it through before you relapse!  Or – if you’re not clean – it’s totally worth it to get clean! Go for it!

A clean addict- deliverance or hard work?

Posted on by addicttoaddict

Okay, I saw on the list of people at church a person who is praying for “deliverance” from drugs. It’s been listed for AT LEAST six months. I am beginning to wonder if the person is still alive.  Somehow, praying for “deliverance” just torques me off. Yes, I do believe God delivers, but it really is hard work.  You have to be at least WILLING to let God work in you and to do whatever it takes. Comments?

 

Who are you following? What is your focus?

Posted on by addicttoaddict

So many of us have this idea that we are independent, free… and that pursuing freedom is doing whatever we want, whenever we want, with whoever we want (remember people, places and things?), but all it got us was chaos.

You see, each and every one of us was made to follow something, to have our gaze fixed on something. Somehow, that gaze fixing leads us around. The gaze fixing can be drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, and any of a number of other things- there seems to be no limit on what we can get our gazed fixed on.

And then the thing we fix our gaze on- the thing we loved- started to become a bad lover, an enemy- and took on a life of its own.  And perhaps we realized we were addicted, or perhaps we blamed the struggles on other things. Things grew hellish, because we didn’t realize that the thing that we thought was our friend was slowly poisoning us.  We felt sick all the time, so we took more drugs to make us feel better – without realizing the drugs were making us sick to begin with.  We took drugs to help us relax – not realizing that God could teach us to be more relaxed without the drugs, and even happy.

Slowly it dawned on us that the problem might be the drugs. Or perhaps the courts forced it on us. Either way, quickly or slowly, we stopped. Perhaps it came to us in a flash of insight, as it did for me, when God told me himself because I wouldn’t listen to anyone else- or maybe it was a gradual process. Either way, we quit the drugs.

But it seemed as if the drugs still led us around, since we thought about drugs so much.  And slowly, we learned to turn our focus to God.  Perhaps we started to pray and meditate, even though we weren’t sure there was anything up there.  We realized that our life really was unmanageable, and that we had to rely on God. We really had no choice.  Slowly, we started to realize that God really had been caring and protecting us, and we began to give ourselves over to a loving God.  The gazing fixing began to move from drugs to God. And something incredible happened. We began to have some clean time, to collect chips and medallions, even  though we didn’t quite understand how it happened. And, quickly or slowly, we realized that we were happier than we’d ever known we could be (for some of us that took some time).

And even if sometimes it felt as if the rebel had become part of the establishment, life was something new altogether. We began to wish we had gotten clean or sober sooner, even if occasionally we missed the taste of drugs or alcohol.  We learned to enjoy the little things – the beach, the sound of the waves, birds tweeting – and realized how thankful we were that God even gave us so much to enjoy.  Suddenly we realized that even though getting clean and sober had changed everything, we loved it.

Advantages of being a clean addict

Posted on by addicttoaddict

To continue on yesterday’s topic, I want to talk about the advantages of being a clean addict. No, I don’t mean, the “I’m not living on the street anymore” kind of advantages.  I mean, knowing that staying clean is so hard, that once you’ve done that, everything else is easy in comparison.

I’ve always been very spiritual, and even though the word “religious” has almost made me almost want to gag, many people have considered me that. Instead of “religious”, I’d say having a relationship with Jesus has always been very important to me. But somehow I couldn’t quite trust God with… you know, all that pain in my life, my finances, and so much more.  When I was close to Jesus, I was usually happy, no matter what was going on. But I couldn’t seem to stay close to Jesus. Now I have to stay there. Being an addict forces me to become what I’ve always wanted to be. I have to do what it takes to be to be close to Jesus, or I know I’ll go back into active addiction. And even if I didn’t go into active addiction, life would be sorta boring… humdrum… and I’d fall back into self hate.  Much as I don’t like most church hymnbooks, that old song, trust and obey, got it right…

And that means I’ve had to develop the discipline to do the spiritual practices that have usually made me happy and made me like myself. I’ve hated that word discipline, too. But, I’ve learned that hating something like discipline has often kept me from being the person I like and want to be. So a big advantage, for me, of being a clean addict is that I like myself and I am the person I want to be.

I’ve also discovered a number of new talents, like a love for art.  My art teacher says my art is all emotion, and boy is she right!  I don’t know how I lived without playing with color and seeing my moods in color.  My world was a whole lot more drab.

Finally, I know that with God’s help, I can do darn near anything, but only if it is what God wants me to do. I know it is the same for you as well.

Clean addicts have great lives!

Posted on by addicttoaddict

Hello. Just came back from a meeting that was, you know, on the wrong side of the tracks.  I came a half an hour later to a 90 minute meeting I don’t usually go to. Then, I got invited to cross the parking lot and go to graduation! It was a bunch of addicts celebrating 4 people getting their associates degrees! I saw the glint in their eyes as they talked about could do something that didn’t think they could do and succeeding – college. And now they are on to four year schools.

And I realized just how important the otherwise neglected building that I’d seen before but never been in was – a center with clean parties every Saturday night. A recovery house. And that the building was far from neglected – it was immaculate on the inside, even though it fit in with the neighborhood on the outside. I’m going to donate my electric organ that I don’t really have space for to the center.

And I saw again the hope and the promise of freedom from active addiction.

In my other life, I’m a professor. And I remember, a semester ago, failing an addict who had more clean time that I did. I wanted to yell at her – HOW can you be clean so long and FAIL my class? Passing my class is teeny compared to getting clean! But she didn’t complete very many of the assignments at all. I couldn’t understand it. I think I believed in her more than she believed in herself.  And I believe in you too. Go for it.

I thank God for the miracle of recovery…

Posted on by addicttoaddict

Hello everyone! It’s another good clean day here!  God truly is good! Sometimes, however,  we have to choose to believe that God is good.  Sometimes it seems that we get stuck in a rut. We are still clean (hopefully!), but nothing seems to be moving in the right direction. Or maybe everything is going in the right direction, but we just can’t see it.

You can see on my blog that I’ve had some of those days lately, days where I spent way too much emotional energy on the things that don’t matter that much (like my job), worried about my husband, who had an emergency medical procedure, and the work I had done on my house.

So on those days I re-orient myself to who I am, to the God who loves me, who has brought me through ever so much, and who has kept me from the things that would really hurt me.  I remind myself that I’m still in the palm of His hand, and that that’s not gonna change, no matter how I feel. And sometimes I got to an anniversary, or give out chips, or something, just because it feels so good.  And I realize that it all passes, and that if I was using drugs, things would be worse. I thank God for all the good things He has given me, and for the miracle of recovery.  And I love on my kids, or paint… I smile because it all passes.  I’m clean,  and I have a house, a family, and a husband, or I wouldn’t be having trouble with them.

Challenges: God does have you in the palm of his hand

Posted on by addicttoaddict

Okay, we talked about in the last post how sometimes it is hard to stay clean. Life happens and you get too busy. Or the calendar reminds you of the anniversary of something you want to forget. Or maybe you are one of those people who wants to use anytime their anniversary comes up. Or any of a number of other things.

Somehow you get through the challenge. And with each challenge you grow stronger. You trust God just a little bit more.  You realize, you might be stronger, but you wouldn’t have made it without God. And friends. And the tools you’ve learned at AA or NA.  Or any of a number of other places and people you’ve learned from since getting clean and sober.  And you realize God really does have you in the palm of his hand.

Maybe you’ve used your personal creativity to get through the challenge, as I do. Maybe someday I’ll post some of my early painting that really helped me at the beginning. It wasn’t always pretty, but even when it’s ugly, or even slightly disturbing, somehow it helps. My mind would be slightly clearer, at least for a few moments, and on I would go.  And perhaps you find, like me, that what you thought was disturbing other people actually like. And sometimes the painting helped with the migraines that I used to experience.  It’s really cool when something like painting helps with physical pain.

I try not to quote from the Bible on this site, because religion gives so many people bad “vibes”. But this quote fits so well: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”  (II Corinthians 12: 9).  I am weak, but God is strong.  He’s the one who keeps me clean.

We all have trouble staying clean sometimes

Posted on by addicttoaddict

Okay, so two weeks ago I wrote about all the reasons I love being clean. Well, today I am writing about those times when it’s hard to stay clean. This week has been one of them. I had way too much work stress, and I am coming up on an anniversary, and we are doing alot of work on the house. Plus, alcohol kept popping up in my face the last two weeks.

So, to cope I went to extra meetings, and to church… and the combination got me tired and anxious, and the anxiety made me want to use. So I told God that he would have to keep me clean, and I’ve kept putting one foot in front of the other and moving on. I keep remembering that I love Jesus and that I don’t ever want to live without my Jesus again – it’s hell.

I really like this song on Youtube today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p396zDTE_bs&NR=1&feature=endscreen . It is Jason Gray, singing and asking God to remind him who he is when he can’t remember.  Whoever you think your Higher Power is, he loves you, and God doesn’t mind telling you again that he loves you and who you are to Him.

Another song I like is this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnwz3xx_yGs . I will follow. It reminds me I will follow God, no matter what.

And this:    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GI5Yiyv5O0s&feature=related    Your Grace is enough. Somehow, following God, and trusting Him with everything, really is enough. Even with an addiction.

I like music, as you can see. And I love God. And somehow we always work it out.  I’m speaking to myself today, but perhaps, I’m speaking to you as well.  And, don’t forget, talk to a friend when you need it.  Somehow, the music helps me to relax, to realize that if I don’t get all the stuff I need to get done done, the world will go on.

Top 10 reasons I like being clean and sober!

Posted on by addicttoaddict

Hello. Do you ever have that I can’t be here – I can’t do what I’m doing now – I’m gonna go crazy – feeling in your head? Is it something you have to escape from, maybe by using?  I know it used to be for me. The funny thing is, now that I’m not using, I don’t feel that way very often! It’s great! At first, that coulda bowled me over – I couldn’t believe what I thought was the solution was actually, well, the problem.

Well, I guess it’s not so great when I feel that way – like now – but I can usually figure out why I feel this way and move on. Like, today, I feel this way because I’m tired of grading papers. But I really need to get them done. Usually it’s when I feel stressed about finishing something, so when I plan ahead, I feel this way less often, and I know how to deal with it.

Here’s my top ten list of things I don’t have to worry about now that I’m clean:

1.) I JUST LIKE MYSELF BETTER! (this is the top one!)

2.) I don’t have debilitating, awful headaches anymore and  my back doesn’t go out as often.

3.) I just feel healthier… even though I work at my job about twice as much as I did when I was using.

4.) I don’t get terribly confused and anxious inside, and when I do, I can usually talk myself out of it.

5.) I’m not terribly afraid of people all the time. Mostly now, I know that it’ll be okay.

6.) Sometimes I have fun at work. It’s alot easier to grade papers and do research when you are sober. Actually it’s kind of fun.

7.) I talk with God alot more. And He listens. I LOVE THIS ONE!!!

8.) I get along better with my FAMILY.

9.) I got the PTSD treated. That means I don’t have those awful flashbacks anymore.

10.) I enjoy the outdoors, nature, painting, playing my music alot more… I’ll have to admit I’m still working on this… I’m too much of a type A person…

Getting clean was good, wasn’t it? Even though it took awhile to feel that way.