Lose my soul: commitment is more than just not using

Hello. Today is another day. I think my husband is finally getting better after his surgeries and back problems. It’s been alot, and having pain medicine in the house hasn’t been easy, although it has been getting easier. The next song I am going to listen to right now is Lose My Soul, by TobyMac, on  .

I know if I use, I lose my soul. Period. Not in the eternal sense, as much as in the here and now sense. I don’t want to go back to that hell. At one point, I made an important commitment, and that was that if I had to stay on my knees praying, all night long, to keep from using, I would. It’s that important.

But more than that, God is calling me. Calling me to do more than just not use.   That when I have to rush home because I can’t tell if my husband is okay, and the cop stops me for speeding, life goes on (yes I am gonna tell the judge that!).  That honestly, God has been really good to me, even when it doesn’t feel like it.  That life goes on, and no matter what, God does take care of me.  And God is calling each one of us to make, or renew, the same commitment.  There is always room for us to be more committed to God.

Spiritual death that accompanies a return to active addiction

Okay, this week has been so busy that it seems there is  no time to post. But I’ll take a whack at it.  It’s been a busy and emotional week.  So this week I will share my most favorite Narcotics Anonymous Just for Today mediation, and why it is so important to me.

March 3 Relapse

“There will be times, however, when we really feel like using. We want
to run, and we feel lousy We need to be reminded of where we came from
and that it will be worse this time. This is when we need the program
the most”

Basic Text, p. 78

If we’re contemplating a relapse, we should think our using through to
the bitter ends. For many of us, those ends would include severe
medical problems, imprisonment, or even death. How many of us have known
people who relapsed after many years clean, only to die from their disease?

But there is a death that accompanies a return to active addiction that
may be worse than physical death. That is the spiritual death we
experience when we are separated from our Higher Power. If we use, the
spiritual relationship we have nurtured over the years will weaken and
perhaps disappear. We will feel truly alone.

There is no doubt that we have periods of darkness in our recovery.
There is only one way we can make it through those troubling times: with
faith. If we believe that our Higher Power is with us, then we know that
all will be well.

No matter how badly we may feel in our recovery, a relapse is never the
answer. Together, we find recovery. If we stay clean, the darkness will
lift and we will find a deeper connection to our Higher Power.

Just for today: I thank my Higher Power for the gift of NA. I know that
relapse is not the way out. Whatever challenges I face, I will face
them with the God of my understanding.

pg. 64

… And that spiritual death is why I quit using. I couldn’t have the relationship with the God I’d grown to know and love – and use drugs.  I was so very angry at God about my son’s death -but still, I knew I couldn’t live without God. And I was also angry at God because I’d tried to get right with Him – and it was as if he wasn’t listening.   Now I think I just wasn’t ready to do whatever it takes, and as soon as I was ready, God was there.

When God told me to stop, I said, but what about the headaches? the pain? What about when I’m too depressed to not use? And he told me, Let me worry about that. That’s not your problem.  You quit before when you weren’t even sure you believed in me, this time I am with you. And He was.  I was so happy to have that relationship back – but I also hurt so much. Eventually we worked it through.

And over time I finally learned that instead of being angry at God and blocking Him out, I should treat Him like a trusted friend – the kind that when something goes wrong, you talk it through.

By the way, if you liked the JFT mediation, subscribe by going to this URL: http://www.jftna.org/jft-subscription.htm . Of course, the quote is property of Narcotics Anonymous World services.

As always, stay clean – and think it through before you relapse!  Or – if you’re not clean – it’s totally worth it to get clean! Go for it!