It’s because I hope it’s gone, but more than that, because God taught me so much. Being alone, almost five hours from home, on a business trip, and passing a kidney stone, is not the most pleasant place to be, but a good place to learn to rely on God and God alone. It’s the worst stone I had yet, but it gave me another chance to walk with God, to walk in faith, to know that He is taking care of me… that God is with me.
It used to be that far less would make me reach for drugs or alcohol. The thought did cross my mind, but God has delivered me from so many things that I knew that He would deliver me this time as well. And I felt God’s presence… God with me.
Trust me, it did hurt. IT was the worst stone I’ve had yet. But God has brought me through so many things since I got clean. Terribly difficult amends… getting through the anniversary of my son’s death and staying clean … incredible, seemingly never ending emotional pain in the first six or eight months clean… for the first year, living with a spouse who was still in his addiction to food, husband’s surgeries… God has never forsaken me. Instead, he’s been with me, gently pushing me to become the person He wants me to be… turning me into something beautiful
God is living and trustworthy, alive, and incredibly interested in each of us. God even knows how many hairs are on our head! It truly is a love affair…
God gently teaching me, loving me, and showing me strength in Him, that I never dreamed I would ever possess. Strong – what an incredible thing! I am following His path, even though sometimes it seems incredibly twisty and curvy. Often I cannot see around the next bend, but I’ve learned that good things are behind the next behind. I’m no longer in that labyrinth I lived in while in active addiction, dark and dirty, twisty and grimy. There truly IS another way to live.
God with us. That is the core of my message to each of you. Addiction requires more than just a psychological or theological solution, more than a simple, wooden spiritual solution, but God with US. Knowing God. Following His hand. Realizing He truly has our best interests in mind. God guiding us.  We are in a brave new world… God With US.
God kept you alive while you were using… you really think he isn’t with you now? You really think He doesn’t love you now???
Written by Sally, daughter of God, recovery coach, student, and most importantly, deeply loved by God. Email me at addicttoaddictnet@gmail.com, tweet at addicttoaddict, or visit my website at addicttoaddict.net.

BUT, if we use drugs, somehow we lose that uniqueness. We lose our story. Nameless. Faceless. Loveless. Unable to love or to be loved.  We forget our passion, our skills, and our desires.  We make our money out of desperation, not out of uniqueness.

We aren’t unique in pain, but instead, we worshipped the drugs. Not hurting. Not feeling. Always looking for that next hit of euphoria. Living in constant desperation. Losing that connection with God, or maybe never having a connection with Him in the first place. Doing everything we do for the wrong reasons. Living in a numbing void, not even hearing the sound of the birds outside. Nothing else matters except the next drink or drug. Or maybe nothing at all matters. Pain so deep it seemed there is no hope of finding a solution.

But then for whatever reason we enter recovery. And for most of us, it takes some time to feel good. Our body chemicals take time to recover. The trauma won’t leave our heads, and it seems for a while, that we’ll never feel good again. Our sponsor, our friend, our therapist – others tell us that yes, it will get better. That dealing with our feelings and working the steps really will help.  And, hesitantly at first, we choose to believe. Choose to believe there is better in store, that maybe others are right, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel – and no, it is not an oncoming train.  We trust these others that care for us enough that we choose to believe there is a better future, to suspend our disbelief, to dare to believe that maybe our future can be different from our past.

At first, like a blind man, we hesitantly move forward. Oh, a few of us are brave and charge ahead, but I was never one of them. Or maybe I was. Guess it depends on your perspective, but I was scared to death, and that was all I knew. Sometimes I felt the journey would kill me, but I kept it up because I knew not taking the journey would definitely kill me. And this way promised a way out of hell.

Eventually, we begin to tell our story, first in a disorganized manner, because most of us have a disorganized or ambivalent or insecure attachment style. We tell our story, at first in bits and pieces, almost daring others to love us. Others listen. Others tell their story. Eventually, we begin to realize that we can be secure, that we are loved and cared for. We decide to risk to saying a bit more. Our story changes and our story becomes more understandable. The more we tell our story the more we begin to understand our story as well.  And we begin to realize that we had omitted parts of our story, parts that we were too scared to admit had happened. Parts that we didn’t think anyone could love us if they knew. Parts of our story that kept us from loving ourselves.

Much to our own surprise, others looked at that story, stared deeply into the face that we just dared to finally unveil, and said, “I was there too”. It is as if we have taken our mask off and shown someone the deep pain – the scars – etched deep on our face that we think they will never go away- and the people that matter to us touch the scar and tell us how beautiful it is becoming. And we learn that we can take the masks off and be more than we had ever been before.

The passion to draw, to paint, to be with others instead of hiding, the passion for selling, writing, music – it all comes roaring back. And sometimes, the changes seem so great that we feel like we are a surfer on the biggest wave of all. And we think about going back into our hole again. Usually, not by using drugs, but by withdrawing from the world. Losing our independence and going back to doing what others say we should do. Hiding in the lies that are almost the truth – and not bothering to correct them.

And eventually we begin to love the wave. To surf on it higher than we ever have before. To dare to go forward, to do what we are made to do, to be the person God has made us to be. And sticking my neck out and being who God made me to be- it makes me smile. There’s a huge smile on my face, just thinking of all the things God has done and is continuing to do.  The people I am going to meet, the connection I make with others, the love – trust me, it’s so totally worth it.

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My name is Sally and I am a recovery coaching, mother, PhD student, teacher, yet more than any of these I love, I smile, and I be. Recovery not feeling so godo right now? Ready to give up? Thinking about if recovery is for you? Let’s talk. Email at addicttoaddictnet@gmail.com and we will setup a time to talk. There really is hope and I can’t wait to see the changes God makes in you!

When I got clean and sober, I started to learn about me and to like me. I rediscovered the passions I had, before I went so far down the path of addiction. And those skills and passions came back like a lion roaring. No longer was I a lion roaring despair, but instead, I had a positive passionate message.  That you too can get clean and sober, and stay clean and sober, and build a better life, a more complete one than you ever dreamed of.

And for a long time I thought that was my whole message for each and every one of you, but I discovered my message was bigger than that. To let people know that in those passions is something new. That passions lead the way for a small business or a career that  satisfies, because it is part of who that person is. That we can work together to find and nurture that passion. That we can use testing, positive psychology, and business skills to help us discover and hone our innate skills and abilities to build something new together, something that we never would have imagined if we hadn’t connected together.  Something bigger than ourselves.

That’s huge. So many addicts – people- who have spent years having a good recovery – but still struggling with work. They are smart, and they’ve put their lives together – but work isn’t working for them. I would like to help them find who they are in work. That work that they are passionate about.

Today I will discuss one tool that has helped me crystallize my vision, my passion, and my strengths.  According to Gallup’s Strength finder 2.0, my top 5 themes are empathy, ideation, intellection, input and connectedness. This range true for me, since I spend so much time using empathy and because at my job I spend so much time connecting people to each other – with big results!

Email me at addicttoaddictnet@gmail.com. Let’s build something together.  Love, Sally

I bought this book because I could see how much attachment affects people, and thus our work as sponsors, coaches, therapists, and parents. Thus, it is something we ALL need to know about. Attachment theory explains why no person truly lives in a vacuum, and that in a very real sense, we get our humanity through relationships. While Flores discusses much of this in terms of psychotherapy, most or all of these are points that are true of any intense relationship.

First, relationships literally alter your brain and your genes! That is why when we have spent our life in traumatic situations, we learn to reproduce them. We don’t know that there is anything else out there, and thus are destined to repeat trauma. But just as traumatic relationships hurt, good relationships heal.  That is why we have to be very careful when we deal with people as words, and especially actions, really have an affect.

When we work in a people-helping role – no matter what it is – change happens not merely at the level of words, but must be deeper. Emotional experience is what truly causes change. That’s why we’ve all heard something life changing, and a month later, don’t even remember what it was.  That’s part of why what we do counts much more than what we say.

That’s why we really care that our sponsors are available to us, and call us back. For our sponsor to really listen, to be willing to upend his or her life to help us if that’s what’s necessary. That’s why the person we choose as our sponsor is important – not just how long the sponsor has been clean or all the things they know about the Big Book or Basic Text. Ditto for the therapist – academic credentials do not make a good therapist.

A good person helper involves far more than being “nice”. It also involves the person helper understanding him or herself. To be willing to let someone sit in their pain. People helping involves more than just listening, but judicious self-disclosure. That’s why it’s so powerful to hear one’s sponsor share at a meeting.

But, talk does change us. Somehow the simple act of talking about what we are feeling to someone (or a group of people) that care deeply about us allows us to calm down, to stop thinking with our limbic system – the so-called “primitive” portions of the  brain – and use our whole brain. Somehow it gives us the ability to regulate our emotions. That’s why we go to meetings and share!

Developing these powerful relationships is why most people stay with a sponsor for long periods of time. It takes time to develop these relationships, to be truly connected to other people, and not a substance. To regain our humanity.

People helping is messy. And part of the reason it is messy is because when we sit with people, and hear their trauma, we cannot help being impacted. It changes us.  Sometimes, a person has been hurt enough by early trauma, or a biological risk for a disorder such as schizophrenia, that medication must be used to moderate the disorder.  That’s why sometimes someone has to have that medicine to stay clean.

I am afraid that this post has been heavy on the academic content, and I would challenge each of you to ask how this information changes your life, and you dealings with others, and to discuss it in the comments below. Does it influence how you treat your sponsees? The therapist you choose? How you parent? Your coaching practice? I have seen the influence of these ideas in all of my life in all of these areas, as I have been applying them in a more concentrated manner in the last year.

If you are interested in attachment theory and interpersonal neurobiology, I would suggest you also look at Siegel’s work – The Developing Mind: how Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape who we are- here, or any of a number of texts that includes information on attachment, such as Flores’. I have liked this book enough that I am reading Flores’ next book, Group Therapy with Addicted Populations, available here.

You may have noticed on a post a few days ago, in the comments, I challenged someone to come up with a picture inside of what “knowing and feeling God’s love” felt like for them- whether it was painting a picture, a mental picture, or whatever else had meaning for them. And right now, I have the same homework. What does letting go of the guilt net look like for me? How do I make sure I remember what laying the burdens down feels like when I start to pick them up again? How do I picture myself not allowing the magnets on the guilt catcher to automatically attract more guilt? Some of it is keeping that picture of the guilt net handy, seeing the guilt sucked away, magnetically de-attracted – sort of like how two positively charged magnets pull apart.

But I sense a need for something deeper in my life, a deeper picture, a picture that makes sure the change doesn’t melt away within 6 months. A way to make sure I keep the picture of letting go of the guilt in my mind. Maybe it’s a painting. Maybe it’s something I need to add to my spiritual practices. I’ll let you know what I come up with – and feel free to brainstorm some ideas in the comments!

My name is Sally and I am a coach, student, college professor, researcher- but so much deeper. I am on a personal, deeply personal journey – not only away from the addictions but toward a deeper understanding of God, of relationships, and of love. If this resonates, send me an email at addicttoaddictnet@gmail.com, leave some comments, or have a free coaching session with me. It’s an incredible journey so hang on for the ride of your life!

I felt like saying, “No I don’t know what that is like. I quit because I met Jesus, and I didn’t want to “lose” my Jesus again.”

The day I quit using, I really grabbed hold of Jesus’ passionate love, and his love held me ever since.  I finally came to my senses and realized I loved my Jesus too much to use.  And the first month I was clean and sober, it was terrible. But it was also as Dicken’s said, “It was the best and worst of times.” I had my Jesus, and he walked with me through it all, and I knew Him again after so long.

Ever since that day, I haven’t used. God’s love has held me. And sometimes, like every weekend before I got one year clean, I held on by my fingertips, if that. I said, “God, I don’t have anything left. You gotta do it.”  And He did. And sometimes I couldn’t hold on at all, so He did it all.

And I let God hold the things I couldn’t hold, which at the beginning, was a lot of things- like the pain of losing my son and the traumatic experiences I had been through. Things that were so traumatic I refused to remember them.

And at 8 months clean, I began to confront the pain of losing my son. And, of course, it was at the worst possible time, while I was alone, without my family around, on a trip. And I cried so many tears, and Jesus was there, and I made it. And 3 days before I got my 9 month keytag, I lived through the anniversary of my son’s death… without using.  It was a HUGE weight was taken off of me, because my son’s death was still a reservation… something I really thought I couldn’t get through. But God was faithful.  I walked through so many experiences, and finally I came out the other end, feeling somewhat whole – and victorious.

So – how do I describe the passion of relationship? The passion of knowing God? I don’t think it is describable. I see the people in the rooms who say, “I remember my last drink or drug and what it did to me.” Yes, I remember that too. I’ve been some awful places. But why be so negative? It must be God, as our Higher Power, calling us. Anything else is a shallow picture – like looking at ourselves in a dirty mirror – I Corinthians 13.  I know I am perfectly capable of taking that last drink or drug, and saying to myself, “It wasn’t so bad after all.  I can handle just one.” But the passionate love of God holds me with a power that makes all else dim.

And part of why I got clean was because I saw that passionate love in others.  Because that passionate love drew me like a magnet. Because I didn’t want to keep going “through the motions” as the Matthew West song says.  Because God’s love drew me, and I never want to escape it. Never.

Question 1: What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever

Or is it “To know Him and to make Him known”, as the motto of the seminary I went to said?

Or is it something else entirely? Right now, I am thinking of, a mirror, a big ship with a little rudder, idols, and attachment theory.

WHY?

A mirror, because our purpose is to absorb God’s love, and then reflect it back to others. To know God’s love deeply enough that I am motivated to do the right thing and  that I can reflect it to others. To walk and talk with Him. To know that God is carrying me, even when really, really bad things happen, like when my son died.

A big ship – with a teeny rudder – because it can take a half a mile to stop or turn a ship at full speed. And why do I care about that? Because it takes TIME – yes, time takes TIME – to change. Time to go from drinking and using to clean and sober – just like turning that rudder! And unfortunately, sometimes while the ship is turning, relapse happens.  Back to being a mirror – I reflect God’s love to people, but I can’t force them to stay clean and sober.

Idols? Why idols? Because we all have to focus on something. As human beings, we seem unable to focus on nothing. So there are two alternatives: focus on God, or focus on created things – alcohol, drugs, work, food, you name it. When we choose to focus on something other than God, we lose that something. Somehow we keep yearning for something else, and fill it with even more drugs, sex, food, or whatever it is. And then we come to the end of ourselves. None of those things work.  They have all become idols.

And here I look to the Old Testament, to Israel, who represents each of us. We follow Israel through most of the books of the Old Testament, time and time again turning to God, and just as quickly back to idols. Then we get to the the poetical books of the Old Testament, and the prophets, a beautiful and neglected portion of the Bible, and we see God’s solution.

Psalm 51: 10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

Isaiah 40: 1-2 Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins.

And later on in Isaiah 40: 31 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

And so here I see attachment theory. Instead of attaching to idols, we attach to God. To our friends in recovery. To our therapist or coach. We start down a journey of knowing and being known by others. And somehow, in the journey, we are transformed. We begin to really believe that God can comfort us. We believe that the “my people” in Isaiah 40 includes ourselves. We begin to see a God who can look us in the eye- and love us, warts and all.  Our spirit is renewed. And because of the God we see, we can put the drugs down.

We begin to see the truth of Hebrews 12: 1 – Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

We begin to see that it all happened as part of God’s plan.

So, again:

Question 1: What is the chief end of man?
A. Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.

I suppose the Westminster Catechism is correct, but knowing and feeling God’s love makes it just so much deeper, doesn’t it?

Wondering why I couldn’t feel that love and hope and peace that everyone else seemed to have. I would have taken just a little bit of it. I didn’t need all of it. Just enough to get away from the pain.

But when I took that first sip of a new cocktail – sobriety – at first, it was terribly bitter. It really hurt going down. I didn’t like it at all. But I knew I loved Jesus, so substances weren’t an option. I spent alot of time with God, went to therapy, went to meetings – and for a long time, my hurt still kept hurting. But, I kept on, and at about seven months, things started to get better.

Eventually I realized I was starting to like that drink. That sobriety wasn’t gonna kill me. And another six months later, I started to really like this drink. To get that happiness, joy of living, knowledge that I was loved.  Not that it was always easy- there were major challenges. But know I knew that God was with me. That somehow this was part of His plan.  That somehow I was gonna make it.

And I’ve made it thus far. I’ve seen God’s goodness in the land of the living. I smile and laugh like never before. I enjoy life. I have passion. I love and am loved. It is a good life. Somehow God is making me into a giant – both of us together, hand in hand.

Love, Sally.

Renaissance woman, coach, mother, teacher, student and so much more. If this resonates with you, let’s connect. addicttoaddictnet@gmail.com

Will you find it?

There’s a part of me that won’t keep silent

A tongue that won’t be still

A voice that wants a song

A soul that needs a quill.

There’s a story that needs unfolding

A heart that needs release

A love that needs awakened

A lie that needs to cease.

I’m a little bit of mystery

A piece of time and space

A pinch of pain and sorrow

A touch of common grace.

There’s a piece of me that is worth finding

A hope for which to strain

A faith, a life to win

A treasure chest to gain.

And all our of souls need a quill – or a paint brush – don’t they? We are a mystery – often even to ourselves. Some of you are souls and God is calling you that it’s time to get clean and sober. For some of you, it’s time to take that step and become happy and not just clean and sober. To take that next step, to find your voice. To find that piece that is worth finding. How about sending me an email and we’ll talk? addicttoaddictnet@gmail.com. Love, Sally.

I told someone that I had told my four year old (three then) that she has a brother in Heaven. It didn’t quite get across to my daughter Hannah. She said, he is missing. He is not here. She finally settled it in her head – according to her, one of my friend’s children is her brother!  So now she keeps a picture of him next to her bed. Well, she thinks it is a picture of him – actually, it’s a picture frame from a store with one of those fake pictures in it – which happens to be of a baby boy.  He is her brother after all. And she constantly wants to see him.

And my mother told me I shouldn’t have told my Hannah that. Guess she thinks it’s too confusing. And I told someone yesterday that my mother said I shouldn’t have told Hannah that, and they said, “Why not?”. And it is helping me see, once again, the pattern of “shoulds” I have put on myself. I should have more clean time than I do. I should have been sober through my son’s death. I should spend more time on my coaching business. My blog should be more secular – or have more of a Christian emphasis – depending on the day. I should end go back to my home today and not wait for tomorrow.  I should take an extra retreat day and stay here an extra day.

But there really aren’t shoulds. We trust that God has us exactly where we should be. That we needed that time when we weren’t clean and sober in order to become the person we are becoming. That we even needed those dishonorable – wrong – things we did in order to get here.

And that’s part of why I believe in Jesus. He’s the one who rescues us from who we are. Who brings us back to where we belong. Who loves us just as we are – loves us until we love ourselves – and keeps loving us. Who knew GIVING UP the “shoulds” feels so good!

I am Sally, and I revel in the freedom of being WHO I am, of KNOWING the God I know, of LOVE, PEACE, and JOY. Of knowing that when I wasn’t clean and sober, that was WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.  I revel in the FREEDOM of being a coach, sponsor, researcher, mother, teacher, student- and so much more! Send me an email if this strikes a chord within you, addicttoaddictnet@gmail.com.